Heart Spaces
by mintiie
Summary: Tomoyo comes to terms with what will forever be out of reach. Eriol knows too much.
1. this is how it is

**1.** **this is how it is**

Tomoyo still wasn't sure of whether living with Sakura had been the best choice. Or if it had ever really been a choice for her. When the opportunity arose, it had seemed like an inevitability somehow – that what other option could there possibly have been? The idea of the pair of them, best friends, taking on the city together. It was delightful.

The thoughts – or perhaps, regret? – hit Tomoyo at odd times of the day. Not always in the apartment, and not always when she is with Sakura. It was one of those things that was hard to predict, and Tomoyo always felt that she was rolling with the punches when those moments came to her. Especially when Sakura started bringing Syaoran over – or more specifically, when a night out got a little wild, and it was near impossible to tear her out of his arms. So Syaoran, an apologetic look in his eyes as he helped Tomoyo get their beloved cleaned up, would end up staying late into the night, and through into the morning. On Saturday or Sunday mornings, Tomoyo would find it particularly unbearable to get out of bed, and she knew very well why.

Eriol was right, really – living with Sakura may not have been the best idea. She was probably not her best self.

Tomoyo felt badly about how things worked out with Eriol as well. It was hard to build their chronology too. She's still not sure exactly where they stand. They still text, and Tomoyo likes all of his rare Instagram posts out of loyalty. She sometimes asks about how things are over there, and all his answers are rather short, but not mean-spirited. She isn't sure what he looks like anymore, because there aren't many pictures of him online, and maybe that's for the best. She finds comfort in the idea that there is a great distance between them, that he is an ephemeral but important presence. There's a certain kind of romance to it.

 _How are you doing? Haven't heard from you in a while_.

 _The usual  
_ _Woke up to Syaoran in the kitchen again_

 _This is kind of masochistic hey_

 _Shush you  
_ _Did you message just to spite me?_

 _Nah  
_ _I was just thinking of you_

 _Was that emotions?_

 _Yeah I'm getting soft_

Tomoyo shakes her head and flips her phone face down. She returns to the waiting steam machine and white dresses in the bridal salon. She guessed that what she has with Eriol is friendship. But they also had history, specifically culminating in a very late night after their high school graduation ball.

They had said everything they were meant to say. That Eriol had feelings for her, that she had feelings for Sakura. Eriol had joked that maybe he might have a chance later on, and Tomoyo had cried. He didn't look her in the eye, or maybe he couldn't.

Tomoyo no longer felt particularly strongly about what happened. She figured that the whole situation had been resolved internally, settled somewhere solid. It wasn't something she had felt a strong urge to revisit, but it did occur to her sometimes. That there really was something there, and if she were wiser and less foolish, she may have explored it.

Instead, she was frozen at the dinner table, feeling her heart race and breath catch, moments from hyperventilating and doing her best to smile and absolutely not let that happen. Really, she ought to have known. Or more accurately, she had known, but she didn't know when.

It had come up at dinner, as though it was no big deal. Sakura had segued into it as though it was an afterthought – "Oh, Tomoyo-chan, this just came up when I was with Syaoran - Syaoran and I were thinking of moving in together – not necessarily here," Sakura had said, a bit embarrassed towards the end of those words.

She did her best to arrange her facial expression into one of delight – pleasure – "Oh of course – it makes sense that you're looking into that." Really, this shouldn't have been difficult. Tomoyo has had years of practice. She was remarkably good at being incredibly happy for her beloved finding love with somebody else. It wasn't a big deal. It was inevitable. "Should we both start looking at different places?" A second train of thought appeared – specifically that there was no way that she was going to be able to continue affording their current two-bedroom place. But also it was such a shame to let this place go.

Sakura seemed to catch on to this as well, "It's such a shame to let this spot go … so many good memories."

"Yeah …" Tomoyo trailed off, contemplating the various apartment blocks she had seen on the way to work and university.

"I'll get Syaoran to find somebody who's looking for a room!"

Tomoyo was jolted out of her thoughts, "What? For here?"

Sakura nodded earnestly, smiling brightly as she pulled out her phone and got to work on the keyboard, "I mean, it's such a good location here, and we've got a really good relationship with our landlady," she kept tapping, pink message bubbles popping up on her side of the screen, "it'd be a shame to let this place go just because I'm moving out with Syaoran."

Tomoyo nodded, not really in any condition to think about it further. She stood slowly and started gathering up her dishes, "I'll leave it to you then."

Sakura looked up at her, sweet as ever, "it's the least I can do, troubling you like this."

Tomoyo's instinct was to say that of course she was no trouble. Never. But how wrong that was as well.


	2. just like that

**2.** **just like that**

A slew of pink bubbles popped up on Tomoyo's phone when she unlocked it.

 _Tomoyo-chan! I found somebody  
_ _I know you still talk to Eriol sometimes, have you heard that he's coming back?  
_ _He's coming back to study for a year – the timing is so good!  
_ _Sorry, I know you're at work, but would you be okay with him moving in?  
_ _I've given him rates and sent a couple of photos of my space  
_ _Just let me know when you get a moment  
_ _And of course if this is too weird at all please just say so  
_ _I won't tell Eriol haha  
_ _I'm sorry if I've touched on something that's sensitive!_

Tomoyo just looked at the messages for a while. A beat later, she shook her head and turned back to her task at hand – brewing tea and double-checking the various bridesmaids' dresses for the upcoming appointments are on the correct rack. She watched her fingers tremble as she sets out the mugs. Then she cursed internally.

Tomoyo didn't even have the composure to reply – in fact, what was she even going to say? On a practical level, it was good to have found somebody she was already familiar with to continue the lease with. On an emotional level, this sounded like more chaos that she didn't need right now. Just because she didn't actively feel something for Eriol right now, didn't mean that she wasn't capable, or that there wasn't something tiny that was still unresolved. At the very least, it was more complexity and emotional energy than she felt up to at the moment. And yet, Tomoyo couldn't bring herself to be completely repulsed by the idea. They could be roommates. A year passes quickly. Eriol was a dear friend.

 _That's great  
_ _I'd love for him to take up that space_

Fuck, was what she thought to herself after she pressed send.

Later that evening, Tomoyo gets a predictable text.

 _Hey roomie_

 _Haha  
_ _Fuck off_

 _Wow  
_ _That's not very welcoming_

 _I'll be nicer when you get here_

 _That sounds about right_

 _You're so entitled_

She couldn't help smiling, leaning back in their bathtub – small enough that she has to sit with her knees poking out of the water. She rolled her eyes as she leaned over and placed her phone on their lime green plastic stool.

Maybe it was going to be okay.


	3. moving

**3.** **moving**

The movers showed up on time. Tomoyo happened to be on the balcony (truthfully, she had made a point to be there) collecting her laundry when the truck pulled up. Her phone started to vibrate in her back pocket, and Tomoyo answered while trying to get the last towel bundled away with her other hand. She confirmed some details, including the notable "Yes this is where Eriol Hiragizawa is moving".

She unlocked the front door and slid a yellow, cat-shaped doorstopper against it, then buzzed the front door open. Apartment moving was always chaotic. Lifts not wide enough, stairwells with inconvenient corners. Tomoyo lingered in the doorway while she waited for the movers to make their way up to the apartment, and she called Eriol, feeling a little more light-headed and heavy-hearted than she had any right to be.

He didn't even bother with greetings, "I'll be there in a moment."

Tomoyo was a little taken aback, but recovered quickly, laughing a little as she hung up. She headed back out to the balcony when the movers go downstairs again, and scoured the street for Eriol.

She wasn't exactly sure what she was expecting to find – she still imagined that he has the same hair and glasses from when they were in school. Probably dressed the same too, in shades of blues and preppy silhouettes.

What she got wasn't entirely off, but it was certainly _not_ what she had been expecting.

She was right about his hair and glasses – they weren't the same glasses of course, but they were still quite large lenses with a thin rim. But this Eriol wasn't wearing the jackets and button up shirts of his youth. In fact, he was wearing just a navy T-shirt and black jeans as he hurried down the street. This was an incredibly understated look, and Tomoyo _liked it_.

It took an achingly long few more minutes for him to make it up to her – now their – floor. Tomoyo understood that in the back of her mind he must have stopped briefly to speak to the movers, but it annoyed her a little, to have been kept waiting. She tried not give much credit to those feelings. They were misplaced.

And suddenly he was standing in front of her.

He was a little out of breath, and his hair looked a little dishevelled from his running. It was occurring to Tomoyo now that she hadn't seen him in person for many years, and he had really changed in that time. He wasn't unrecognisable – his eyes were exactly the same, grey-blue and piercing, knowing. But his jaw had grown more pronounced, and he must have grown many inches taller. "Not the same as three years ago?"

Three years wasn't a long time, and yet he was quite different now. "I guess so, you're definitely not the same as I remembered."

The poised, careful, gentle Eriol that had picked her up from her childhood home for their graduating dance was not the same Eriol that now stood before her.

It was becoming more apparent to her as they started to go about the business to moving his things in and getting the chaos in order. It wasn't that he wasn't cheerful and mischievous anymore – he still made mean comments and laughed at Tomoyo's exasperated reaction. But he moved with intention now, and there was a particular seriousness to him that Tomoyo had never seen before.

Only when Eriol went back downstairs to wrap things up with the movers did Tomoyo get a still moment to take stock of what she had gotten herself into. The mess of a moving day was one thing – she wasn't really fazed by the multiple cardboard boxes and bags and suitcases, nor the miscellaneous pieces of furniture that didn't have an obvious place in Eriol's room. Rather, her head swirled and she struggled to come to grips with the idea that she was going to be living with Eriol. It wasn't meant to be a big deal, and there wasn't anything going on between them.

But still, this meant something. It was somehow a big moment.

Eriol was back before she made more progress with her thoughts. He got to work systematically, always asking if Tomoyo was able to help him with the next thing. The bedding came first – and underneath his spare sheets was a fluffy, white throw pillow.

Tomoyo picked it up while Eriol straightened up his blankets. She couldn't help laughing.

"What?"

"This is so unlike you." To think that Eriol had an eye for this kind of decorative item.

Eriol shrugged, taking it out of her hands, "it's meant to be comforting. Soft and warm in winter or something."

Tomoyo made a mental note to try it out as she watched him deposit it on the couch, beside two of her coffee and caramel coloured pillows.

It happens a couple more times – unpacking surprising things about Eriol.

For one, he had a clear affinity for cute mugs. He was clearly quite selective about them – he only had a few, but they were all shaped like animals, with ears along the rim. Tomoyo quite liked the one shaped like an owl, blue-grey in colour and more rounded than typical mugs. Eriol was noticeably quiet as he added them to where the other mugs in the apartment lived.

Another surprising thing was the sheer amount of skincare that he started to unload. Moving beyond the uncomfortable but not entirely unwelcome idea of sharing a bathroom, Tomoyo realised that she was passing him a lot of bottles and jars to store away in the space Sakura had left. Eriol took notice of her studying the labels, "yeah, a lot of skincare for a guy, I _know_."

It seemed that he had clearly had this conversation before. Tomoyo tried not to think about with whom. "It's nice though," she insisted, "I'm impressed. I think it's a good thing."

He smiled at her, a cheeky look in his eye, "yeah, maintaining this gorgeous face is a lot of work."

Tomoyo narrowed her eyes at him, "that's definitely one of your more distasteful jokes."

"Ugh, I'm wounded."

It was a pleasant surprise that they're able to banter like this. Tomoyo wasn't sure what she had been expecting, but it was just so different and present compared to their late night or early morning text messages and voice messages.

They moved through Eriol's things, a mound of cardboard and scrap newspaper growing as they unpacked.

Some of the familiar and predictable things were his jumpers and shirts – he hung up all the professional-looking button-ups and blazers. But he also had a few hoodies and many more grey tracksuit pants. Tomoyo was starting to get a sense of what Eriol looked like on his days off.

He hadn't brought many books with him, presuming correctly that there just wasn't going to be much shelf space. He did have a lot of writing pads though – more than just the standard yellow legal writing pads, but also pink and blue, and a handful a promotional, watermarked ones he must have taken from various networking and university events. Tomoyo ended up leaving them in a neat pile on his desk, unsure of where exactly he would like to place them.

The sun was starting to dip when Tomoyo realised that she was hungry, and Eriol was in the middle of figuring out where to put all his shoes (he had a surprisingly large number of shoes). She pulled open her fridge door, scanning her options.

Eriol looked up from his squatting position near the apartment entrance. She'd thought differently about him, but in Eriol's eyes Tomoyo hadn't really changed much. Sure, what she wore was less feminine these days. She was all long skirts and ruffles in middle school, and high school was a time of pastel blouses and high-waisted jeans that he distinctly recalled looked excellent on her. Today, she was wearing a boxy-fit short sleeved top and black leggings. Comfortable, restrained.

Eriol tried very hard not to think about how great her ass looked. _It's inappropriate_ , he scolded himself, annoyed.

It was starting to sink in for him too now, that they'll be living together. _Together_ is a strong word. They're just sharing a space – more specifically they're sharing the living room, kitchen, balcony, laundry and bathroom – he gulped. _Bathroom_. He sighed quietly to himself, standing and resigning to store a few more pairs of sneakers in their respective shoeboxes under his bed. He wasn't a child anymore. Not a teenage boy with stars in his eyes.

And yet, as he stole another glance at Tomoyo taking a few eggs out of the fridge, he felt just like that foolish boy.

He hated that.

* * *

a/n 6 July 2019 - I've gone back and rewritten the first handful of chapters. I really wanted to refocus this - hopefully it's an improvement.


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